I can’t sugar-coat this stuff, I think I have been a little bit shit for a while now. You know, just really not firing on all cylinders across the board? Eating badly, being incredibly lazy and just kinda not giving things my all. It doesn't help that I am currently in Thailand were the weather is hotter than hell and its very easy to just want to sit and eat or rest where there's air-con. But I'm talking about a longer time-line, the past year or so, or even the past several years.
We all get down on ourselves from time to time don't we? Throw in the predictably unpredictable arrival of mental health lows and welp, its a shit storm.
The Shit Scale.
So when I say I am planning to be less s-word at life, I'm not coming from the realm of being deeply morally depraved or something actually serious.
For me being less shit comes down to being a better version of my average-non-criminal self, one that is listening to her desires and needs and giving a crap about stuff she's ignored for a while.
I have been given a kick up the bot-bot by life, most notably by the end of a serious relationship (break-ups can lead to glow-ups, am I right?) and now I want to pick myself up, shake myself off and make a few changes.
Becoming a better version of myself means for me, finally addressing my health, across my mind and body, not just to for my own benefit but to the benefit of everyone around me.
Want to be a better friend? I should probably not be such a hermit and reach out to them more; they need to know I'm here for them.
Want to be a better sister and daughter? I need to be a little more forthcoming with communication (and hugs, my affectionate brother would add).
Want to be a little less bloated and sick? STOP CONSUMING LACTOSE YOU CHEESY BASTARD.
Obviously, our complex personalities and intricacies can never be boiled down to a few simplistic tips. Underpinning so much of why we think we are doing shit at life, is because we really aren't loving ourselves the way we should be.
If you don't 'love' yourself already, do you focus on learning to, or do you change who you are?
This is a bit of a chicken and the egg scenario.
If we are to believe that true contentment comes from self-acceptance, are we also to ignore the small voice that pushes us toward healthy self-improvement, for fear of thus demonizing who we are, and others like us?
It's a delicate balance between accepting our humanity and imperfection, to approaching self-growth and actualization.
Furthermore, Mr. Darcy-ing ourselves and liking ourselves "Just as we are", is not really an easy option for people with serious issues; ED's, body dysmorphia, past trauma's, anxiety, depression etc.
But on the good days, the days where my personal mental health feels under control, and I can see the light despite the clouds, it these times I take a look at myself and question if I am trying hard enough.
Am I trying hard enough to love that which I cannot change about myself, and take bold steps to changing what I can? This question certainly throws up some problems.
If I say, want to lose weight, does that mean I think that I am unlovable as I am? Some days.
If I opt to buy some new clothes and make-up, am I giving more time to shallow exterior materialism than deep internal work? Maybe.
If I choose to squat because I have always hated my jiggly thighs, am I saying large thighs are bad in general and I am therefore bad? Absolutely bloody not.
In fact if I want to lose weight I will. If I want to treat myself to a new lippy and a pretty dress, I will.
If I want to squat every day, 30 times a day for 30 days, I am doing that not simply for my own gluteus maximus, but I am doing it for a sense of achievement, a sense that I can in fact do something uncomfortable, at repeated junctures, in the pursuit of a long-term goal.
Maybe some of us want to commit to something that may seem trivial on the outside, but to us has a big link to building our self-esteem and self-belief.
We should all do the things which make us feel good within our self-care routines, and I wouldn’t dare tell a woman that she is doing her thing wrong. We should all take the big leaps that feel right, or the small daily leaps that make our relationship with ourself a little more bearable.
If someone attends therapy then goes and gets a mani/pedi followed by a Netflix and pizza binge, I hope they feel happy every moment of doing so. We all need to do, what we need to do.
The problem is however, when we do certain things which we perceive as self-care or self-love because we believe others will like us more if we appear, act or look different.
I think some of us are however able to distinguish between doing what feels good intrinsically and doing what garners us the verbal acceptance of others, which in the long-run is no sure way to self-acceptance.
What's the Plan Han.
So on the surface-level, I am planning some serious pampering. I'd like to stop running away from my reflection ya know?
I’m talking fixing my sun-heat-air-con-abused mop and skin. Two years in Australia has damaged me a little bit. Any good products hit me up with your recommendations!
I am also planning as mentioned to eat a little more cleanly and exercise a little more too. I am lazy and always have been. P.E. was practice in letter writing, lying and signature forgery for me, never for sport. But nobody is forcing me to attempt netball resulting in me being comedically thwacked in the head simultaneously by two large-breasted teenage girls.
This time I am making the choice to get my body up to the task of an active lifestyle, one I know is as good for my mind muscles as it is for my body's.
I have decided it is also time for me to stop dismissing my passing whims as silly and not ignore the fact that I have always wanted to join a book club, act in amateur theatre and importantly, do more charity work.
I want to pad out my life with a little more of the things my heart desires. Although I don't want to be the girl who never has free time because she has eleventy-seven commitments because she’s just so god-damn dynamic and eclectic, but I am 27 nearly, so it’s time to listen to what I want and start doing some of that stuff.
I suppose in my attempts to be less s*** I am really trying to be happier on a selfish level, but I also want to be a bright and supportive person to be around.
My closest friends and family endlessly inspire me with their tenacity, go-getting, unwavering positivity and forgiving nature, and I know I have been one for inviting them to some of my many pity-parties over the years.
I'll keep you posted on how particularly shit I am doing some days and how I am doing less shit on some others, and you can let me know too, k?